Pale Ales are like Movie Sequels…

…they mostly suck. 

Suck may be a strong word but there are a bevy of subjective synonyms. Currently watching Independence Day: Resurgence, while “enjoying” a Calvert Brewing Good Company Pale Ale, and it struck me. Sequels are never as good as the original. I’ll only give one real sequel a shot and I’ll give you one clue…


But for the most part, pale ales, simply pale in comparison to other beer styles. Get it?? For me, the IPA is Caddyshack and most other PA’s or APA’s are…Caddyshack 2. I hate for this particular Pale to get caught in the crossfire because it really isn’t terrible and actually, like the movie, got way better towards the end but my point stands…

I’m not mad at you Pale Ales, I’m just disappointed. 

And better late then never…

#IPMAY is here. 

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I’m a masochist. 

Kind of. 

I’m about to re embark on an 1,100 page journey that is…

Well maybe not that exact IT but I’m sure you’re picking up what I’m putting down. 

I was doing adult things and listening to a podcast in which a gentleman reads every Stephen King book in chronological order and does a weekly review. After his three part IT review, I got all the feels and knew I had to read IT again. The book IT, not the lovely two letter pronoun, they’ve been getting confused for years. Wouldn’t that suck?!, to be a lovely little pronoun and always have people think you’re a maniacal killer clown that eats children, but I digress. 

I can be a bit lackadaisical in my reading but I have set an end date and that is that. How’d I come up with this end date???

Beer, of course. 

Doesn’t beer solve every problem??

How Beer Saved My World…

…In a manner of speaking… I’m watching “How Beer Saved the World” and it just sounded right. As we all know (or maybe you don’t & now I’m slightly judging you), beer is comprised of just four ingredients and it was first made…

BY ACCIDENT?!?!              

    

You bet your sweet aspercreme. Barley seeds in vessels left outside, add rain water, and boom!!…Beer motherfucker. Basically the first primitive humans got tipsy, loved it, started harvesting barley which led to the start of farming, irrigation, and basically everything we know today. Pyramid workers were paid in beer so without this discovery there would be no “Egypt” either. Maybe not 100% true, but it sounded good in my head. 

Pond water is gross, or maybe it isn’t (very much judging you), but in the middle ages they didn’t have much to choose from. They discovered that while making beer, boiling the water made the water drinkable. Folks being none the wiser thought it was the beer alone that made it drinkable, and they then proceeded to drink it by the gallon. My home area of New England was actually founded because a ship traveling from London to Virginia ran out of beer. 

The Sons of Liberty, who were half in the bag I might add, caused the revolution. A song that once was a way to test sobriety, after some lyric changes, became our national anthem. You just can’t make this shit up. 

From refrigeration to modern language to modern medicine and everything in between, the world as we fucking know it pretty much exists because of beer. That’s all beer– before there was craft beer (gasp! Keep it in your pants beer snobs) there was just plain old glorious frothy goodness. 

*Insert Cheesy Beer Line Here* 

Examples: 

“That sure is the kind of history I like to read about.”

“Oh man, that history sounds delicious.” 

Etc. etc. Just read those picturing this guy. 

I spy with my beer eye, another spy. Wait what?

What a slacker. Looks like James needed an extra years rest because for the first time in the series history, it has been 3 years in between films. He might’ve needed it as watching the first 10 minutes, he’s in a shoot out that I have to say looks totally realistic. Like insanely realistic, not completely fake at all, at all. (Is that sarcasm enough for you?) 

He just bit through a chain!! For the love of god, he just bit through a chain!!

(Jim Ross. He’s a wrestling announcer. Look him up)

I now sit at a banquet and no, not that banquet, but the somewhat weirdly named beer of all the banquets, Coors Original. It’s not ice, it’s not light, it’s just plain old beer. I will not complain about this one. I said it and I meant it, I won’t complaint. I was once told by a wise man to embrace the contraction, thanks Mitch. 


Seems like Mr.Bond has an ally in another spy, which he didn’t know was an ally who also was a spy, that also didn’t know James was an ally, who of course is a spy and…

In my opinion the Bond nemesis Mr. Karl Stromberg is a BAMF to say the least, I mean his underwater lair is like something out of a movie…

Wait?

Anyway he has a chrome mouthed henchmen* who is sort of like a vampire, because he kills people with his mouth, but they don’t turn into chrome mouths because that would obviously just be weird. This Roger Moore must up the ante, as he does with his amphibious car, only to scare the bejesus out of some unexpecting Italians. This fella Stromberg has quite the human armory and I’ve always thought how do these villains get all these guys? He’s already paid whatever the fuck for a giant submarine, so is he paying them off or just brainwashing them with gas, or??  Who knows but this question will forever intrigue me. Also, the seventies have no fully influenced the in movie soundtrack, which makes me a trite bit sad. 

Stromberg dies by an under the table tube gun, metal mouth survives to hopefully return again, and James fucks to the end credits. Typical Bond if I do say so myself. Well, I don’t know if it’s all the water scenes or the 25 oz of Coors in my belly but I gotta hit the head, or in blog terms, this post is officially over. 

In better news, chrome mouth is this guy. I’ll give you a hint. 

He’s been called Frankenstein and he has a fat foot…

Life and Let High. 

Here goes nothin. I honestly was dreading this beer most, and needless to say between this and already don’t like Roger Moore’s gun pose, this could be a long two hours.

The stage is set at the U.N and looks eerily familiar to the original Batman movie where the Penguin used Commodore Schmidlapp’s dehydrator invention to, you guessed it, de hydrate world leaders into dust?! Doesn’t it?!

Aaah High Life, we meet again. I’ve drank you and then I moved on to bigger and better things. That being said, I don’t know why I ever liked you and in this long planned meeting you find ways to disappoint me once again. 

In other news Dr. Quinn, yes medicine woman, is the love interest of the new and not improved Bond, Roger Moore. Spectre is gone and I’m actually not too sure who the enemy is, but there’s a lot of voodo and New Orleans happening so we’ll see. Wait a second, I found the enemy Mr. Big aka Mr Kananga who had this fucking weird looking rubber mask/disguise thing…

In my own world, plus wearing my VHS of Wayne’s World, this is always Mr. Big to me…

There is forty ounces of Miller High Life in me and Roger Moore’s “interesting” debut as Bond as just about in the books. Boat chases, Voodoo, horrific New-or-lee-ans accent mixed with the champagne of beers (whatever the fuck that means) summed up the evening. 

The genius of John Barry has been well documented but one thing that somewhat saved this movie was the music. Sir Paul McCartney and his band of Wings provided the theme and I was a-o-fucking-k with that. 

Diamonds and Ale.

Just when i think he’s out, they pull him back in. I mean it this time, this is the last Bond movie for Sean Connery…ok 99.9% sure. This salt and pepper motherfucker is ready for action one more time and we’ll see if his age shows. Without saying, even though I’m literally about to now, the score is top notch with amazing vocals by Shirley Bassey.kanye-diamond

(not Shirley Bassey)

Moving on to the beer at hand is void of any ice but still for the most part, devoid of any flavor. Making beer for college kids and homeless people alike is the ever infamous Genesee Brewery. I’m not going to lie to you and say i’ve never bought this beer for pleasure, i have.  When I lived alone, how was I supposed to pass up $12 for a 30 rack?!?! Craft beer schmaft beer, that is a fucking bargain.  This one in particular has alluded me so I thought it would be the perfect choice for #beersandbond.  Genesee Cream Ale really scared the shit out of me but it wasn’t half bad, considering the bar is at its lowest.

This just in and to interrupt this bad beer drinking is there is a woman character called Plenty O’Toole, I repeat, Plenty O’Toole. To sweeten the pot they just had an African American woman turn into a gorilla?!?! You can’t make this shit up and apparently in 1971, this wasn’t a big deal. Oh the 70’s…greatest-seventies-toys

Not sure if I’m taking it the right way but it looks like they’re trying to say that moon launch was staged?! I’ll take it for what its worth but the 70’s Bond is already riding around in a fake space vehicle in the Nevada desert, so who the hell knows what’s to come.

70’s villains are weird man, and weird as in two awkward characters who tend to hold hands and might be homosexual…meme13

Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are two recluse like looking fellows who are as smooth as silk in their villainous ways. From an exploding plane to a scorpion down someone’s back, these foes look to be too great for Mr. Bond. Great is not a word i would use in this review for Genesee so i’ll use it while i can. In another word, that is has now been used twice in different situations in the series, is pussy.maxresdefault

A different type of Bond film but a fitting end to the aging superstar. This is for sure Top 3, and I could probably say the same for the bad beers ive had as well. Diamonds are apparently forever and hopefully for me, my hangover won’t be.

 

 

Would You like Ice, Your Majesty?

If it’s this ice, I’m going to assume no but can’t hurt to ask right? 

The 70’s are almost upon us and technology is taking over, as the Bond theme has gotten a wee bit digital. The unmistakable guitar cue has now been replaced by a tinny sounding synth that is less to be desired. John Barry is still a genius so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt as I’m sure he’s just going with the times.  

*water fight alert* Just picture something like this…

This film introduces the younger, and I will say less hairy Bond, George Lazenby. This could be the most in Bond like name in the history of Bond like names but he hasn’t had an awkward kiss to speak of. Speaking of kisses, he just kissed Ms. Moneypenny!! I’ve been routing for her since “Dr.No” but I think this will be short lived. This Bond so far, doesn’t have the same way with the ladies as Connery did but maybe it’s because he wears shirts like this…


You think I’m kidding??


Boom 💥 goes the dynamite!! 

My movie companion or “Bud”, if I may be so bold…

(So many fucking points to you if you get the previous movie statement and/or the capital G! Gif above.)

…is Bud Ice. Not just any can of Bud Ice but a glass 40 oz bottle, and don’t you worry, a slight amount was poured out for my homies. Coming in at 5.5%, it is the usual ice flavor which in beer language means no fucking flavor to speak of. I will take no taste over bad taste any day of the week but I want to know I’m drinking beer, my only indication is the buzzed sensation I am currently experiencing. 

Bud Ice or no, there was a slight tell to the Bond before as the first actual line, after the water fight of course, was “This never happened to the other fellow.” I enjoyed this immensely even though for the most part, this was a somewhat watered down Bond, but there was Curling so how much can I actually complain. Also how many have a bobsled fight, a fucking bobsled fight?!

Donald Pleasence > Telly Savalas

For the first time in the series, and I’m a 1/4 of the way through, there is actually ice in the movie!!! Leave it to the one that has “ice” in the title, for it to be the one that shows ice for the first time. Ironic?! Maybe not as ironic as this though… 

In better and non ironic news is that the guitar theme is back and my beer is gone. An ice for an ice, I will take the service 10 times out of 10, even though this transitional Bond film was underwhelming and waaaaay to long for what it was.

Edit: I just watched James Bond get married and within minutes have her killed off. It’s about to get good folks. Cue Mr. Connery. 
This is a Beer-enity Now PSA announcement:

Drinking tasteless beer too early in the day along with an ever so healthy meal of Mac & Cheese and Hot Dogs may lead to drowsiness and extreme cuteness with a canine. 

*in rare cases take out your camera if the moment of cuteness lasts more than 4 minutes.