#todayisfuckingawesome

I can complain a lot. 

It’s 80 degrees in February, I have an absolute knockout of a girlfriend, the best mother a son could ask for, fridge full of beer, and two of the cutest dogs you’ve ever seen. 

Today is one of those days that I tell my sometimes complainy self…

You’re a fuckin idiot. 

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How Beer Saved My World…

…In a manner of speaking… I’m watching “How Beer Saved the World” and it just sounded right. As we all know (or maybe you don’t & now I’m slightly judging you), beer is comprised of just four ingredients and it was first made…

BY ACCIDENT?!?!              

    

You bet your sweet aspercreme. Barley seeds in vessels left outside, add rain water, and boom!!…Beer motherfucker. Basically the first primitive humans got tipsy, loved it, started harvesting barley which led to the start of farming, irrigation, and basically everything we know today. Pyramid workers were paid in beer so without this discovery there would be no “Egypt” either. Maybe not 100% true, but it sounded good in my head. 

Pond water is gross, or maybe it isn’t (very much judging you), but in the middle ages they didn’t have much to choose from. They discovered that while making beer, boiling the water made the water drinkable. Folks being none the wiser thought it was the beer alone that made it drinkable, and they then proceeded to drink it by the gallon. My home area of New England was actually founded because a ship traveling from London to Virginia ran out of beer. 

The Sons of Liberty, who were half in the bag I might add, caused the revolution. A song that once was a way to test sobriety, after some lyric changes, became our national anthem. You just can’t make this shit up. 

From refrigeration to modern language to modern medicine and everything in between, the world as we fucking know it pretty much exists because of beer. That’s all beer– before there was craft beer (gasp! Keep it in your pants beer snobs) there was just plain old glorious frothy goodness. 

*Insert Cheesy Beer Line Here* 

Examples: 

“That sure is the kind of history I like to read about.”

“Oh man, that history sounds delicious.” 

Etc. etc. Just read those picturing this guy. 

The Beers have Eyez. 

Quite the day here at Beer-enity Now, I have the pleasure of writing the first installment of #jacketjanuary and I got my Brewster Club Box!! Brewster Club is a new craft beer take on the Beer of the Month club. Every month you get 10-12 different craft brews from around the country to enjoy from all different breweries. Alas, there was a hiccup in the shipping department and I only got one of my boxes. (I ordered 2 so I had one for me and a late Christmas gift for my gal that’s better than your gal.) The customer service was amazing, as they apologized profusely about the delay, which of course wasn’t their fault. I now have both in my possession and all is well in the world. 


The Woven Eyez C-16 is where I will start my jacket journey. What is the Woven Eyez C-16 you ask?? Well St Louis’ own Peat Wollaeger aka Eyez, designed this beauty among many others. His signature eyes really bring out the design and makes it quite eye catching, am I right?! What I am currently enjoying or at least trying to enjoy, is Upside Down Blonde by Flat 12 Bierwerks. I figured just by the spelling alone, this would be a home run, but unfortunately was more like a bases loaded strikeout. Taste was no where to be found but luckily for me, it looked pretty fucking cool as I was drinking it…

Thank you Bomber Jackets. 

I spy with my beer eye, another spy. Wait what?

What a slacker. Looks like James needed an extra years rest because for the first time in the series history, it has been 3 years in between films. He might’ve needed it as watching the first 10 minutes, he’s in a shoot out that I have to say looks totally realistic. Like insanely realistic, not completely fake at all, at all. (Is that sarcasm enough for you?) 

He just bit through a chain!! For the love of god, he just bit through a chain!!

(Jim Ross. He’s a wrestling announcer. Look him up)

I now sit at a banquet and no, not that banquet, but the somewhat weirdly named beer of all the banquets, Coors Original. It’s not ice, it’s not light, it’s just plain old beer. I will not complain about this one. I said it and I meant it, I won’t complaint. I was once told by a wise man to embrace the contraction, thanks Mitch. 


Seems like Mr.Bond has an ally in another spy, which he didn’t know was an ally who also was a spy, that also didn’t know James was an ally, who of course is a spy and…

In my opinion the Bond nemesis Mr. Karl Stromberg is a BAMF to say the least, I mean his underwater lair is like something out of a movie…

Wait?

Anyway he has a chrome mouthed henchmen* who is sort of like a vampire, because he kills people with his mouth, but they don’t turn into chrome mouths because that would obviously just be weird. This Roger Moore must up the ante, as he does with his amphibious car, only to scare the bejesus out of some unexpecting Italians. This fella Stromberg has quite the human armory and I’ve always thought how do these villains get all these guys? He’s already paid whatever the fuck for a giant submarine, so is he paying them off or just brainwashing them with gas, or??  Who knows but this question will forever intrigue me. Also, the seventies have no fully influenced the in movie soundtrack, which makes me a trite bit sad. 

Stromberg dies by an under the table tube gun, metal mouth survives to hopefully return again, and James fucks to the end credits. Typical Bond if I do say so myself. Well, I don’t know if it’s all the water scenes or the 25 oz of Coors in my belly but I gotta hit the head, or in blog terms, this post is officially over. 

In better news, chrome mouth is this guy. I’ll give you a hint. 

He’s been called Frankenstein and he has a fat foot…

Got the heelch goin up, on a Monday…

So a blind pirate and a beer (bear & deer = beer) walk into a bar…

I typed in “waiting for punchline” and this came up
 

…and they drank quietly on a Monday night in Anderson Valley. The beer-enity now meaning of that statement is that these beers were simply just ok. 

Getting to the first Monday night beer* is ironically enough, Monday Night Brewing Blind Pirate. Despite the pretty cool name, which seems to be Night’s modus operandi, a somewhat dissapointing beer follows. This one reminded me of Uinta Detour from And the Oscar goes to… with its sub par taste with a super light hop flavor. 

Looks we’re back in the Bonanza days here with Anderson Valley…Bonanza?! 

Yes, the 60’s television show Bonanza starring Michael Landon…

You don’t know it?!?!

 

I know I’m old, 34 thank you, but Bonanza is an institution. An institution I tell you. 

The heelch of hops that is Anderson Valley is unfortunately not too much better. The short and skinny of it is that maybe the word “heelch” means not so hoppy in beer language. 

When beer is not up to snuff, I write less. Maybe that’s a good thing. 

* A Monday night beer is something I completely made up and is basically is a beer that is below average to average. 

Diamonds and Ale.

Just when i think he’s out, they pull him back in. I mean it this time, this is the last Bond movie for Sean Connery…ok 99.9% sure. This salt and pepper motherfucker is ready for action one more time and we’ll see if his age shows. Without saying, even though I’m literally about to now, the score is top notch with amazing vocals by Shirley Bassey.kanye-diamond

(not Shirley Bassey)

Moving on to the beer at hand is void of any ice but still for the most part, devoid of any flavor. Making beer for college kids and homeless people alike is the ever infamous Genesee Brewery. I’m not going to lie to you and say i’ve never bought this beer for pleasure, i have.  When I lived alone, how was I supposed to pass up $12 for a 30 rack?!?! Craft beer schmaft beer, that is a fucking bargain.  This one in particular has alluded me so I thought it would be the perfect choice for #beersandbond.  Genesee Cream Ale really scared the shit out of me but it wasn’t half bad, considering the bar is at its lowest.

This just in and to interrupt this bad beer drinking is there is a woman character called Plenty O’Toole, I repeat, Plenty O’Toole. To sweeten the pot they just had an African American woman turn into a gorilla?!?! You can’t make this shit up and apparently in 1971, this wasn’t a big deal. Oh the 70’s…greatest-seventies-toys

Not sure if I’m taking it the right way but it looks like they’re trying to say that moon launch was staged?! I’ll take it for what its worth but the 70’s Bond is already riding around in a fake space vehicle in the Nevada desert, so who the hell knows what’s to come.

70’s villains are weird man, and weird as in two awkward characters who tend to hold hands and might be homosexual…meme13

Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are two recluse like looking fellows who are as smooth as silk in their villainous ways. From an exploding plane to a scorpion down someone’s back, these foes look to be too great for Mr. Bond. Great is not a word i would use in this review for Genesee so i’ll use it while i can. In another word, that is has now been used twice in different situations in the series, is pussy.maxresdefault

A different type of Bond film but a fitting end to the aging superstar. This is for sure Top 3, and I could probably say the same for the bad beers ive had as well. Diamonds are apparently forever and hopefully for me, my hangover won’t be.