How Roode!

Introducing the best fucking Pale Ale ever.

Like. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. 

“Glorious”

by: CFO$

No, I won’t give in

I wont give in 

’till i’m victorious

And I will defend

I will defend

Glorious
No, I won’t give in

I wont give in

’till i’m victorious

and I will defend

I will defend

And I’ll do what I must

No, I won’t give in

I wont give in

Oh, so glorious

Until the end

Until the end

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Never 11. Never

The number 11 aka the horrible number aka the Rebecca Black of numbers aka nobody wants to see two ones next to each other or aka the equivalent of this…

I needed a little sunshine in my life for this main event. Sip of Sunshine that is. This Lawson’s Finest Liquids specialty was a welcomed addition to the worst WrestleMania ever. The “main event”, quotes were necessary, was Bam Bam Bigelow going up against Lawrence Taylor. Lawrence Taylor is and was at the time a retired football player with no wrestling experience. This same man is in the main event in WrestleMania, and I repeat, no wrestling experience at all. Zero. Nada. Zilch. With fellow WWF superstars and NFL stars surrounding the ring to bring some star power to this monstrosity did little to heighten the drama. 

The Sunshine of Sip helped just a little bit as it is another taste of home. I’ve heard a lot about this beer and I will say it’s a wee bit overrated but in the same token is magically delicious. The 8%, as with many NE style IPA’s, is easily drinkable and simply fabulous. I wouldn’t wait three hours in line for this but getting it delivered right to your doorstep, I’ll take it. Always. 

Yep. Main event material, don’t you think? The only redeeming quality of this much is that LT is just hammering Bam Bam with stiff blows. No wrestling finesse here, he’s just laying it in with no apologies. After about ten minutes of incessant nonsense Taylor climbs to the second rope to deliver a forearm for the ages and in turn getting the 1…2…3. 

No title on the line, poor buildup, and just everything that is wrong was this main event. Luckily for me I had some sunshine to brighten this dark cloud called a match. 

P.S. I promise this is the most bitching I will do in a post. 

P.P.S Hold that thought…

Brad Pitt’s Favorite Number…

Spoiler Alert: I’m drinking a Bud Light Lime (of the A-Rita variety). Yep, it’s fucking Peach and I’m somewhat ok with it. 

There is a method to my madness though, I promise you. 

WrestleMania 7 was a prickly one. The original venue in Los Angeles was moved for reasons unknown into a smaller venue. I’m just going to guess it’s because the line up sucked. Wrestling nerdery aside, it sucked. The main event was lackluster at best, once again pitting…guess who…

Nothing?…

Come on. You know who…

Yeah, Hulk Hogan shows up again– for the 6th year– against Sergeant Slaughter, you know of G.I Joe fame. He came in as WWF Champion. The controversy here was that Slaughter was an Iraqi sympathizer and turned his back on America and America didn’t really appreciate that. Completely off subject: I just had to mention that Alex Trebek is the ring announcer and Regis Philbin is doing color commentary. WrestleMania 7 in a nutshell but first, here is Austin Powers in a nutshell…

The U.S.A laden Hulk Hogan promised justice and a new WWF Championship reign. Will he be a man of his word?…

????….

Now the Peach A Rita all makes sense right??!! Shitty main event means a shitty beer/malt beverage thingamajig. Not much to say but it’s a heavily carbonated, slightly Peach flavored, very interesting tasting liquid. That’s my review and I’m sticking to it. 

Momentum is swinging in many directions as USA chants are deafening. I feel like the only equivalent to this match would be pitting Bernie Sanders vs Donald Trump (who is actually sitting front row in the audience) but maybe that’s just me. Not a wrestling clinic by any means, the usual atomic drops, clotheslines, and 10 count punches were in full effect. General Adnan (you can’t make this shit up) was a huge distraction on the outside while Hogan went to the top rope but was knocked off by the opposing Slaughter…

No Slaughter of the 80’s, not you. The actual Slaughter used a steel chair and Hogan is busted open!!! Hogan is busted open!!! The Iraqi flag is in play and Hogan is doing his classic no sell. It’s only a matter of time now as the crimson mask flows down the face of the challenger and just like that it’s…

Big Boot…Leg Drop…

1…2…3!!

Hogan is once again the WWF Champion for the 10,000th time. Will he headline his 7th WrestleMania??? 

May the 4th be with you. And also with you. 

The fourth installment of WrestleMania was my first real memory of this grand event as a kid. Yea I’m old, 34 if you’re counting at home, and fell in love with this great sport at the ripe age of five. I was intrigued from the beginning and who would’ve thunk that thirty years later I’d be on my 909th unique beer, while rewatching the spectacle I fell in love with. 

Enough of memory fucking lane, let’s get to the mission at hand…beer. 

Sam Adams will always hold a special place for me and my yankee roots. (Yankee as in from the north, not the shitty New York variety, that’s gross.) The recent Rebel IPA series has been magical for my taste buds is when a new “Pack of Rebels” was released I was enchanted. Pairing with the single elimination tournament for the World Wrestling Federation Championship is Rebel Grapefruit IPA. Fruit in ales such as this can be disastrous and some have straight up crashed and burned…

*cough* New Belgium Citradelic *cough*

But this was a tasty, and welcomed, exception to the rule. The low IBU’s and 6.3 ABV and the perfect amount of grapefruit, make this a solid summertime go to, or in my case an any day go to. 

The stage was set and the tournament was at its end and only Randy “Macho Man” Savage and “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase were left. Not Hulk Hogan. Crazy right. Dibiase’s bodyguard Andre the Giant was the enforcer on the outside and the coup was on. Wait a minute?!!?! Not so fast Andre because Hulk Hogan has now evened up the playing field and we’re all square as they say. Macho Man has now turned the tide momentarily but after more outside antics from Andre, Dibiase has locked in the dreaded sleeper hold but wait…

The ref is distracted…

Hogan is in. Hogan has a chair!!! Hogan has a chair!!! The chair connects with the back of DiBiase and the crowd explodes!! Savage goes up and hits the top rope elbow and 1…2…3!!! Savage went through four men to capture his first WWF Championship. 

Not to be outdone, the very next year was held at the same venue but in a daring, shocking, and honestly a flabbergasting turn of events…

                                                          Nope. Even more flabbergasting. 

                                                                           Spoiler Alert:

                    Hulk Hogan vs Macho Man Randy Savage: The Mega Powers explode!!

3 venues, 2 wrestlers, 1 IPA

This ones going to be a deucey, get it?! 

(Elbows Elbows)

Deuce is two, meaning the second WrestleMania, meaning I used the expression doozy, mea- well you know what I mean…

Right?

Anyway this WrestleMania might’ve been even more historic then the first, as it was held in three different cities, each with a different line up of wrestlers, all airing at the same time!! 

                                                                Yes John, nuts isn’t it??

Hulk Hogan reprieves his role as the baby face in the main event against King Kong Bundy in a STEEEEEL CAGE MATCH!! Some said that Hogan was done and he was a dead man walking, which leads me to the wonderfully delicious brewski(s) I’m about to drink to my face. Walking Dead Blood Orange IPA by Terrapin Beer Co is a delightfully flavorful beer at 7.7% ABV. I can go either way on blood orange brews, as I had the 2016 version in a bomber, and was underwhelmed. I’m a sucker for beer in cans, so when they just recently canned it, I was intrigued and thought to myself, “Maybe 2017 will be better.” Luckily for me Terrapin came through and was a great accompaniment to this match up. 

Fucking Elvira is filling in on announcing duties, Ricky Schroeder is the guest time keeper, and Tommy Lasorda came out to MC the whole goddamned thing, you can’t make this shit up. It’s wrestling and I wouldn’t want it any other way. 
                                        If you had these three in your office pool, congrats. 

Hogan (with ribs heavily taped) looks simply outmatched to the ginormous Bundy as the only way to win is to escape the cage and both feet hit the floor. Attempted clothesline, Hulk ducks underneath, Hogan changes course and Bundy is thrown into the reinforced cage, and Bundy is busted open!! Bundy is busted open!! Hogan goes for the body slam but to no avail as the weight of Bundy is just too much. Hulk seems to be a sitting duck and about to lose his championship and…

Wait a minute, he got up??

He’s not feeling any pain?? 

Oh my god I can’t believe it, Hogan is back up. He hurls Bundy into the ropes and…

No fucking way…

BODYSLAM!!! BODYSLAM!! Bundy is down and then the ever powerful leg drop!!

A handful of tights and a weasel of a manager Bobby Heenan can’t stop the immortal one from capturing another victory. WrestleMania Deuce is in the books to match the two beers I just inhaled. What will WrestleMania 3 have to offer?? 

One hint: Nerdy wrestling terms and of course, more beer. 

…and the crowd goes wild. 

It’s Liberace…

It’s the Radio City Rockettes…

It’s WrestleMania??

You bet your ass it’s WrestleMania!! 1985 was the catalyst for what we know today as the WWE. While very dated and heavy on the cheese, this is where it all started and I couldn’t be drunker, I mean happier, than to witness history again. The stage is set as Hulk Hogan and Mr.T, yes that Mr.T, go up against the team of Rowdy Roddy Piper and “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff. Just picture it in your mind…

Shit. Wrong Mr. Wonderful. I watch way too much Shark Tank. 

Interesting that the main event would start with a few trading slaps but that only leads to complete bedlam as all four men are in the ring at the same time!! Prepare for a lot of exclamation points in this post, simply for effect. To sweeten the pot Mohammed Ali is an outside official and is throwing haymakers to restore order. Exciting stuff right?!

It’s only fitting that I’m drinking Heavy Lifting by Boulevard Brewing. This IPA is a body slam to the tastebuds as this west coast take is hops on hops on hops. The 6.2% ABV is quite welcoming, but after a few of these you might feel like you just took a head butt from Jimmy Snuka!!

Wrestling sure has changed as only a few basic moves were needed to achieve greatness. 

List of moves:

  • Head Butt
  • Hip Toss
  • Clothesline 
  • Atomic Drop
  • Eye Gouge
  • Body Slam
  • Double Noggin Knocker (My Personal Favorite)

The Hulk was down but willed his way to a tag to Mr.T and the the proverbial roof came off Madison Square Garden!! A clothesline here and a head butt there to change the momentum and then a fresh Hogan was tagged into finish up the job!!  After being in a full nelson, all hell broke loose and Cowboy Bob Orton came off the top rope to use his cast and…

Oh shit!!! He hit Orndorff!! He hit Orndorff!! Hogan with the pin…1…2…3!!!

The heavy lifting is done, pun intended, and the historic inaugural WrestleMania is finished. While 1985 seems like a million years ago, it’s the start of something and that something is #marchmania. 

Ooooooh yeeeaahh!! Dig it!!

#maniamarch

If it hasn’t been established yet then let it be known around the land:

Beer ye, Beer ye,

I doth proclaim my forbidden love with professional wrestling. I will watch every main event match for the corresponding fortnights that thus conclude currently at thirty two. I will also drink a pint of ale with every bout. 

Sincerely,

Beer-enity Now!

*Aka I’m watching every Wrestlemania main event there has been, in order, while drinking beer and writing some running commentary. 

Fun right??!!

What you gunna do when beer enity now tries to be funny while buzzed, runs wild on you…

brother.